if any of your have ever read the screwtape letters, you know that the book by the great C.S. Lewis can really challenge a christian's mind. written from the perspective of an uncle demon to his nephew demon on the subject of a "patient" they are trying to win over to the their "father" (aka Satan), each letter shows how the devil really works; all of those little thoughts and big actions we humans commit that those demons use to pull us away from the "enemy" (aka God.) i've started this book twice and both times i've gotten to letter number 8 and was quickly blown away. this passage just gives me chills, and i knew i had to post it. it will be long, but bare with me.

Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation - the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life - his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenonmenon which will do us no good unless you make good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself - creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself; the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry from the will along duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only by the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

how would you describe it? summer, that is.

i roll the window down and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

then looking upwards i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

do they collide? i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash the world doesnt matter

when you feel embarrassed, then i'll be your pride
when you need directions, then i'll be your guide
for all time.

find out what pleases the Lord. eph 5:10

i just got finished reading ephesians tonight.
and oh man, so much for desiring goodwill t-shirts
and old navy bermuda shorts.
this is definitely what i should be wearing...

*belt of truth
*breastplate of righteousness
*feet fitted in the readiness of the gospel of peace
*shield of faith
*helmet of salvation
*sword of spirit (word of God)

so much for my wardrobe, eh?

"pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador of chains. pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should"
--ephesians 6:19-20.

sunshine...been keeping me up for days.

last night i took my mom to the emergency room.
she came around the corner, looked at me crying,
and said "i dont think i can take it anymore."
an amazing state of calmness and control took over me.
sure, i didnt think she was going to die.
i, in no way, feared her life. just to see her pain was enough.
but i knew exactly what to do. i grabbed her stuff
and in five minutes we were on our way to trident.
i began praying in the car. just for her release.
Healer, comfort her, take away her pain.
my mom is never sick. i've never seen her go to the doctor
let alone the er, but the hanging onto the wall for support,
the gasping breaths, was a real eye-opener.
i realized, as depressing as this sounds, that its only the beginning.
i certainly pray for her long life. for her safety until a very old age.
i want nothing more than to see my mom as a geri grandma.
ok, so maybe that came out wrong,
but its still the truth. and as hard as it is to grasp,
despite that tiny detail that i've been her responsibility
for the last 19 years, shes also my responsiblity.
now, and even more so 30 years from now.


on a completely different and slightly random note...
in the true style of high fidelity,
i've made a list of my top 10 favorite songs of all time.
i know you dont care, whoever you are,
but for me, its a very big deal to be able to narrow it down to only 10.
so here goes...

1. black water=the doobie brothers
2. hello, goodbye=the beatles
3. in the end=greenday
4. me and julio down by the schoolyard=simon and garfunkel
5. send me on my way=rusted root
6. wish you were here=pink floyd
7. i didnt understand=elliot smith
8. ender will save us all=dashboard confessional
9. ocean breathes salty=modest mouse
10. jefferson, aero plane=relient k

everythings not lost=coldplay and
motorcycle drive-by=third eye blind
are definite wannabes, but no cigar.

p.s. i miss rock hill desperately.

a tornado sweeping through. let me reveal myself to you.

she lay there. on that old, loud bus. surrounded by noise, but somehow in her own quiet, little universe. for a moment nothing caught her attention, no distractions, and she pointed her face upward to look out the window. with her head hanging off the seat she viewed the sky. a vast space of blue and white, colored with pastel chalks. giant balls of slow-moving cotton. tall, green, and full of life trees. power lines. and that pesky stack of fresh lumber piled high on the large truck that they just couldnt seem to pass. in an instance she felt like dorothy in her very own wizard of oz story. you know the part, when shes sitting on her bed. the tornardo barrels through, terrible winds smashing her window to pieces. and then the images come: her family and auntie em, as well as that cruel witch. just like dorothy, random things appear in and quickly leave from her window. however, the sky (whether gloomy or bright) remained. no matter what she passed, or just how fast that old bus flew.



there she appears. no, not standing in front of a brown square (or what could be a shadow), and she certainly isnt dancing ( which would be entertaining though). nope, just laying. face pointed upward. and look at those hitchhiker thumbs. beautiful.

this entry has potential...

to be really long, that is.

i returned home to charleston from rock hill at 1:30 this morning.
and i returned to rock hill from ruf summer conference in
panama city beach around 7 yesterday. it was such a
long/short, relaxing/tiring, exciting/confusing week.
i met people i never known before, including most of my group.
i think i had fun though.

i realized a lot of things this week.
like what the crap am i doing for one thing?
i can get really sick of myself sometimes.
i learned a lot about the history/purpose/covenants/meanings
of the scriptures. things i had never thought of before.
and it occurred to me "why have i never thought of,
or heard of for that matter,
these basic principles, ever?" did i just not remember?
did i forget? or have i always been this lost?
i guess i'm just not sure of anything right now.
also, i want to be baptized, but i'm not sure where.

i have the most random thought process.
if i actually said everything out loud, you'd swear i was a schizo.
something mean/disheartening/stupid occurs to me,
then i correct myself, tell myself how wrong that was,
and then congratulate myself for "changing my ways."
so not only am i a rude and troubled soul, i'm also prideful.
go figure.

this week, the speaker, mr. stuart latimer
(a funny guy but somewhat clemson obsessed) said, and i quote...
"niceness is as bad as ruthlessness"
basically implying that a person can be nice and selfish at the same time.
so that description fits me pretty well.
whether i even notice it or not, i always somehow, unconciously expect something in return.
i should just be nice!! no strings attached.
not for thankyous/affection/friendships/hugs. though i'm a fan of hugs.
i think i would actually like doing nice things without alternative motives.
again, go figure.

its quite possible that i may be borderline bi-polar.
there are brief moments of sadness where all i want is to be really quiet.
like when i was driving home last night.
mostly caused by listening to damien rice or bright eyes
but still, i kinda like those times.
when my non-talkative self doesnt even want to speak,
just wallow.
i kinda wish they occurred more often.

i will post conf pictures soon.

currently:
reading "before women had wings" by connie may flower,
i gave up on bloom for a few reasons...
1. i really had no idea what bloom was talking about
2. i found myself being takenaway/influenced by words that just sounded nice
when they actually made no sense
3. and the book was due back to the library;
listening to pedro;
feeling really hot from the tan/sunburn, tired, and aggravated by the headache.
i should just go to bed.

good thing nobody reads this (or comments at any point)
cause i've been quite honest with myself (as well as countless strangers)

last dance w/ mary jane. 1 more time to kill the pain.

just spent the last two hours putting brand new
and somewhat recent pictures on the website.
you guys have to check it out...

http://community.webshots.com/user/serenacorine

heres a little taste...


currently:
listening to classic rock, namely tom petty and aerosmith;
feeling very ready to go to bed,
excited/nervous about leaving for flordia on monday;
aggravated by the amount of laundry that has to be done.

the long and winding road

i spent two and a half hours on a lonely drive home from winthrop
yesterday and theres only one sentence to recap:
i sang way to loud, gave myself a headache,
and realized that i severely hate rest area automatic flush toliets.
thats pretty much it.
still unpacking. taking it one step at a time.
before i have to turn around and start packing again.
it never ends.
because its summer i probably wont be on aim very much,
but i will update regularly...
so for those few who read this, add it to your favorites,
and check back from time to time.
i think i'll go make some coffee with my new coffeemaker *wink*

currently:
watching tv (i've watched for like 5 hours today...
do you know how long its been since i've been able to do that!);
reading Harold Bloom;
feeling tired of this sinus (i think) headache i've had for the past week.

just call me lucy.

that last post was wayyyyy too long. i'll never do that again.

we give our boys JESUS JOY!
thanks fellas for the compliments/flattery/gifts.
you guys are awesome men of God
and i'm not sure i deserve your friendship.
but i still love it!
p.s. me and mel are wearing them as bracelets:)

currently: reading Harold Bloom's "where shall wisdom be found?";
listening to taking back sunday;
feeling refreshed but tired.

i'll fly away.

hello again.

i have decided that with the completion of my sophomore year and a return home for the summer, that i would start a new blog and destroy the ole lj. its lot like i really wrote in it anyways. so time is windling down. all my exams are over. my pictures are down. my desk consists of jumbled papers, my monitor, and oz. and yet it hasnt quite sunken in yet. mainly because i dont really wanna go home. yes, in some respects i miss my family, but that will quickly fade. and i definitely miss my bed. i wont miss the classes part cause my summer includes working and taking physics at a tech school, among other things. so when you get rid of all that, its pointless to leave this fine city of rock hill. from here, i will miss my roommates, my friends, my job and coworkers, my church and house church. unlike last summer, i feel like i've finally made a home here, and though i'm leaving, it will all carry on without me. thats the saddest part of all. i will miss things by leaving. but theres no doubt that i will be back to visit.

so anyways, back to my summer plans. i was a little bit bummed. ok, pretty bitter about it all. especially when i heard news of the cool missions trips and awesome foreign countries my friends will be experiencing this summer. but now i am so excited about so many things. me and jake are working together to form a "lowcountry house church." haha, which i'm sure will knock the surrounding area off its socks. mrs. kimberly wallace! (i mean white) will be around all summer with the same plans and shortly will become my new best friend:) those two things in itself would make it all worthwhile, but i'm also going to ruf summer conference in beautiful flordia next week (i cant wait!), salkehatchie for another year, taking a trip to canada with the family, and i'm sure there will be plenty of roadtrips to rock hill and simpsonville (gotta visit patches) haha. its gonna be off the charts!

now to describe the past year...mixed emotions, highs and lows, tears and laughter, awesome new friends, growing, andgone by really fast. that pretty much sums it up. i guess just like any other year. there were some tragedies...loss of loved ones and dying friendships. but we've all come back from it, and i know that i'm not bitter anymore. i realize now that it was suppose to be short-lived, and if its meant to be, we'll find our way back. i've gotten to know so many cool people in the process: like dave, maggie, brooke, jake, catherine, and keith. and God used his mighty hand to place me in a suite with some of the most amazing girls i've ever met! i couldnt have asked for more wonderful/inspirational friends.

well, this has been a really long and sappy first blog. my apologizes. i will try to keep this thing updated throughout the summer to let you guys (those few that will actually read) how school/work/house church is going. you guys take care.