this entry has potential...

to be really long, that is.

i returned home to charleston from rock hill at 1:30 this morning.
and i returned to rock hill from ruf summer conference in
panama city beach around 7 yesterday. it was such a
long/short, relaxing/tiring, exciting/confusing week.
i met people i never known before, including most of my group.
i think i had fun though.

i realized a lot of things this week.
like what the crap am i doing for one thing?
i can get really sick of myself sometimes.
i learned a lot about the history/purpose/covenants/meanings
of the scriptures. things i had never thought of before.
and it occurred to me "why have i never thought of,
or heard of for that matter,
these basic principles, ever?" did i just not remember?
did i forget? or have i always been this lost?
i guess i'm just not sure of anything right now.
also, i want to be baptized, but i'm not sure where.

i have the most random thought process.
if i actually said everything out loud, you'd swear i was a schizo.
something mean/disheartening/stupid occurs to me,
then i correct myself, tell myself how wrong that was,
and then congratulate myself for "changing my ways."
so not only am i a rude and troubled soul, i'm also prideful.
go figure.

this week, the speaker, mr. stuart latimer
(a funny guy but somewhat clemson obsessed) said, and i quote...
"niceness is as bad as ruthlessness"
basically implying that a person can be nice and selfish at the same time.
so that description fits me pretty well.
whether i even notice it or not, i always somehow, unconciously expect something in return.
i should just be nice!! no strings attached.
not for thankyous/affection/friendships/hugs. though i'm a fan of hugs.
i think i would actually like doing nice things without alternative motives.
again, go figure.

its quite possible that i may be borderline bi-polar.
there are brief moments of sadness where all i want is to be really quiet.
like when i was driving home last night.
mostly caused by listening to damien rice or bright eyes
but still, i kinda like those times.
when my non-talkative self doesnt even want to speak,
just wallow.
i kinda wish they occurred more often.

i will post conf pictures soon.

currently:
reading "before women had wings" by connie may flower,
i gave up on bloom for a few reasons...
1. i really had no idea what bloom was talking about
2. i found myself being takenaway/influenced by words that just sounded nice
when they actually made no sense
3. and the book was due back to the library;
listening to pedro;
feeling really hot from the tan/sunburn, tired, and aggravated by the headache.
i should just go to bed.

good thing nobody reads this (or comments at any point)
cause i've been quite honest with myself (as well as countless strangers)