with a lifted face, i feel as if i could take you in Lord! and i breathe deeply.

so its been quite a while since i've really updated on how i am and how my summer is going. i've been waiting for a good time where i could really sit down and express all the random thoughts i've been thinking lately, but things have been surprisingly busy. surprisingly because its summer time. and i find that i hardly have a free night or a free afternoon to do anything anymore. and i had so many summer plans for myself. oh well.

so much has happened. again, not really in my life. mostly in my mind. these past couple of weeks have brought so many discoveries and revelations. i've read things and thought about them. heard things and thought about them. felt down and sad by things, thought about them, and cried. i'm not sad. just thinking too much.

i've been reading some really cool scripture. verses that are so plain and simple but sooooo cool. i mean, i know there are so many translations and most of the time they are used to help us understand it all better, but the simple language makes me think a lot. which i guess is the point. last thursday me and jake and kim went to rock hill for house church. yep, we traveled a total of almost 5 hours to spend 5 hours with some of the most awesome people ever. we read through jeremiah 31, which i'll discuss in a moment. then we worshiped and sang and hung out and had coffee. in the middle of worship, with people scattered, i smiled so big. i was so amazed that i could be so blessed to be surrounded by such love. from the people, from the Lord, everywhere. but shortly after, i was again sad and bitter because i knew i would leave soon and i wouldnt see them for another month. the trip was bittersweet but more than worth it. so anyways...jeremiah 31. we read through each verse. talked about the prophecies and the meanings. going back to the cool and simple language of the verses, there were two that really stuck out to me. verses that just hit me. one was jer 31: 21. it says "set up road signs; put up guideposts. take note of the highway, the road that you take." i love it. its just so plain and simple but it means so much. we talked about how you should set up not one but several markers to guide your way home. to find your way back to the Lord. but then someone brought up the point that everyone should know their way home, right? but whats cool is that the markers that we set up to help ourselves can also help so many others. those same markers made by our hands or thoughts or actions can guide others home as well. the second verse was more confusing. jer 31: 29-30 says "in those days people will no longer say, 'the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens's teeth are set on edge.' instead, everyone will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes - his own teeth will be set on edge." another translation says that the children's mouths will pucker. i thought the language of this verse was so cool, but i totally didnt understand any of it. so i asked. the group said that it referred to the original sin. because of the parent's sad deed, the children felt and "tasted" the after effects. it was passed on. and verse 30 says that now things are different. now all are held personally accountable for their own sin. so yeah, those are only two cool things from that night. they were so many more, but you know...i only have so much space on this thing:)

i've been thinking of the word sanctuary. when i went to salkehatchie a couple of weeks ago, there was this speaker from columbia that came and spoke to the camp one night. this guy is setting up a new church in columbia and he said that every week the people from the church show a movie in a local park and serve free drinks and such just to reach out to the community, get to know people. one week they showed lemony snicket's a series of unforunate events. the guy talked about the movie, how after all the crappy stuff stuff that happened to these three kids, they still had hope in the end that things would get better. i had wanted to see the movie. however, i had also heard that there were snakes in the movie and i dont get along well with snakes. for those of you that dont know me well, snakes are my biggest phobia, and i cant even stand to watch them on tv. so i was a bit hesitant to rent the flick. but slowly i convinced myself that it must be good and i decided to go ahead and get it. so i watched it (the snake part wasnt that bad actually.) but the thing that i got from it, the part that stuck out to me most wasnt the part about hope. in the middle of the movie, the kids found themselves in a horrible situation in a horrible house with a horrible guardian and still they managed to spend time together and be a family in the attic under and small tent. during this part the narrator said "sanctuary - a small safe place in a troubling world. like an oasis in a vast desert. or an island in a stormy sea." for the little ones, that tent in that dirty attic was their sanctuary. i loved the defintion and immediately wrote it down. i just started thinking. so many people look at the word sanctuary and they think of a building. myself included. they close their eyes and see benches and walls and stained glass and Bibles and an altar. a church. a structure. but the definition used in this movie said so much more. a sanctuary can be like a persons home. and though i live here, the more that i'm at school, the more i'm starting to consider my friends to be my "home." that group of amazing people that i eat with and spend time with and have house church with are my sanctuary. and more importantly, Jesus is our ultimate sanctuary. He is our safe place in a troubling world. He's willing to quench us when we are thirsty and protect us from the wind and rain when it storms. it just blows me away.

so thinking about my friends as my sanctuary made me consider something else. something i thought about tonight, and something that prompted me to start this neverending blog entry. ever since last semester i've felt a certain way about them, my close friends at school, and its sort of continued this summer. this is not talking bad, saying they dont care about me. i'm sure most of what i think about their part is made up in my head. the devil trying to make me feel sad or bitter or unworthy or low. and thats just not acceptable, i know. but some feelings are hard to overcome. and i'm also not saying that they dont mean the world to me. i care about them and feel so blessed to be apart of their lives, their stories (even if just a small chapter.) but i cant help but feeling a certain way sometimes. last semester, me and a friend confided in each other and expressed our feelings about how we think some of the people in the group view us. we both just agreed that we think everyone in the group sees us as the jokers. the ones that are kind but still sarcastic. sometimes i think they dont take me seriously, that i'm almost not spiritual enough. that unlike others, they cant confide in me and talk to me and spend separate time with me in order to share with me their struggles and concerns and praises, etc. i often feel that they spend so much time with others and work so hard at their other friendships, that at the end of the day, our friendships seem the weakest and most unreal. and i think the reason for this is my fault. i dont share. i dont confide. i never have. at the annex last night the speaker talked about lifters vs leaners. well i dont really know if i'm a lifter or not ( i hope i am) but i know that i've always been scared about becoming a leaner. if i just started pouring out my soul, crying, sharing, and telling all my secrets i would feel the like the most ridiculous person ever. no one wants to hear about my problems. i dont even have any interesting problems! and i think with me being this way, being scared to open up to even my closest friends, limits me in a big way. cause if i dont talk to them, what makes them think that i care enough for them to be able to talk to me. so for next year, i just pray that God will open me up like crazy! that He'll break down this walls that i've spent years building up so that people can open up to me and so our friendships will grow wicked strong! yay! haha

i have more thoughts, like on worship and such, but seeing as how its really late and this blog is already insanely long...til next time kids.

also, i'm working on some stories like jake and rique in hopes of jake letting me contribute to that new idea/anthology like thing that he's working on. wish me luck and inspiration.

currently:
reading 1 minute bible 4 students (a book i got from salkehatchie) and bagombo snuff box; waiting on my reserved copy of harry potter year 5 to come into the library so i can start reading that; listening to david gray's "say hello wave goodbye" for the third time already; feeling happy about good news but also starting to believe that rubber bands were once used as a medieval torture device, and their purpose hasnt really changed that much in all this time. goodnight.