anybody else out there think too much?

i finally had that awkward and uncomfortable moment that i have been dreading for the past couple of weeks now. i was hoping that i would be able to hold off seeing him for a least another month or so, but certainly that was not the case. sure enough, he appeared, almost out of thin air, and the weird silence shortly followed. and then he hugged me. what was that about?

of course he looked the same, except for that blessed bar going through his eyebrow. and he knows i've always wanted one. and still he beat me too it. but then again, heaven knows when i'll actually get up the nerve. i'm not a fan of needles.

anyways, it really really hurt to see him. mainly because, in that weird moment, it finally settled in that it will never be the same between us. and nor should it. for as long as i denied it, we are COMPLETELY different people. yesterday, my good friend terilee came over, and us and ria talked about stuff. we got on the subject of terilee's 19th centruy literature class and how shes having to read the last of the mochians. she expressed that it was just such a hard book to really get into, and generally it was just boring. but she said that she liked one quote from it, something she read just struck her. the narrator was talking about the french and indian war and he said that its ironic that both sides were fighting for land that they were never destined to own. and right when she said it i thought of brad. all the times that he disappointed me and hurt my feelings and that i judged him and made him angry. all the tears, pain, heartache, and evitably the loss of a friendship, was generally pointless. i fought and struggled for something that was never suppose to be mine (the friend OR the boyfriend.) i guess it was just never suppose to work. not that our friendship was a waste of my time. i appreciated what we had. its just that there was a clear turning point, and time when it was obvious that all i needed to do was let go and walk away, but instead i continued to fight. and i've been fighting ever since. and man, i'm weary.

now that i've thought about it, i realize that things have got to change, within me. it seems that at certains time i always seem to think of him - which really isnt healthy in itself - and as i bring up old memories, i immediately start to despise him. its ridiculous really, the way my brain treats the idea of him. if it were up to me i would just not think of him at all, but he's kind of a hard guy to just cut cold turkey. thursday night at house church we broke up into prayer groups and while i was praying with ria and maggie i prayed for the situation with brad. ria started praying that when i think of him, picture his face, the face of Jesus will slip into view instead. that my thoughts would be turned to Jesus instead. and well, i thought that was a pretty neat idea, ria. and i'm gonna try hard to keep that in mind.

well, i guess i just had to get that off my chest. for most, they wont have a clue as to what i'm talking about, but then again i'm sure they dont really care either.