please dont let me miss the winter xgames!

i could hear church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the member's faces were smiling
with their hands outstretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere
could someone please tell me the story
and sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you
and somedays i dont love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but it all thats left is duty
i'm falling on my sword
at least then, i would not serve an unseen distant Lord
could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you
and somedays i dont love you at all
if this is only a test
i hope that i'm passing, cause i'm losing steam
but i still want to trust you

peace be still

i guess i have a lot to say this time.
i should start from the beginning.

christmas break was as good as expected. no wait...better than expected. in some ways. not others. there were definitely defining moments. i think the hardest part was not going to my church. for christmas eve service me and my family went to my aunts church. sitting there i felt blessed to be surrounded by all of my dads family, but at the same time i missed something that the church we were attending just couldnt offer. for 20 years, my entire life, i've gone to my church and for the first time ever i wasnt there for the christmas eve service. i lacked that church family that i've always known. and although they've hurt me and my family recently, i missed them and knew that this christmas without them just wouldnt be the same. christmas morning we went to a local church we had heard about from friends of the family. again, the same feelings surfaced and i felt as if satan was attacking me and i had to struggle to get past the bitterness of the church situation and focus on the day at hand. you know, the day of our Saviors birth.
i do have to say though, that christmas break itself was made by three very important events that occurred. first of all, my mom, while referring to the walmart commercial with destinys child (you know the one where they're opening presents and theres music in the background), called beyonce beonkey. yeah, thats right. she did. and considering the joy that the phrase aufkey badonkey has brought this group in the past, i enjoyed that immensely. secondly, my grandmother, while referring to the birth of Jesus to the virgin Mary, stated that she still hasnt figured that out yet. again, she did. my mother explained it was the Holy Spirit and thats what made it a miracle, but i still dont really know if she was truly convinced or not. and last but not least...my favorite. me and my mom, on our 10:30 pm walmart run, decided to pick up a couple bottles of sparkling grape juice (red and white) and on christmas eve me and my family shared a little toast of the bubbly in crystal wine glasses. while my mom, dad and brother were saying cheers, i felt like the time was right and decided to throw a little "ooompa" in there, you know like the greeks do. and my dad, who thinks i'm the funniest thing alive, laughed forever and he probably still is now. oh dad. overall though, i enjoyed the time at home with my family. and even for a little while there, i didnt really want to leave. oh, and the presents...you guys will hear about them eventually.

so now i'm back at school. hanging out here until it starts back again and kristin is visiting. shes so cool with her wedding plans and bridemaids dress talk. i totally told her to get bright pink ones for us to wear, with giant sleeves so that the guys i dance with can say "hey, nice sleeves" and mean it. thats joy right there. but seriously, i'm really happy to be back here. and despite some of the certain situations...moments of embarassment and foolishness mixed with insecurity...i am genuninely happy to be "here" as in like right now. there are moments (maybe its the lack of school work or the increasing alone time, but whatever it is i'm running with it) of genuine peace and joy. and i like it. so much so that i just wanna stay right here, right now. not that i'm scared about the upcoming semester (though i am, out of mind, cause the last one still haunts) but i just like this now. and honestly, its kinda rare, when i feel comfortable in my skin and reflective and deep and calm, and i kinda dont want it to go away.

like yesterday for example...i had one of the best days that i've had in a long time. and because it brought me such joy, i will relay the events to you in chronological order. first i got up (set the clock for 10 but finally arose at 10:45) and watched a little news. i love cnn in the morning. then i got dressed and went for a walk. i ended up near the guys house, so i stole rique and we walked around the lake. oddly enough we talked about sports. he explained disc golf and ultimate frisbee. and i expressed how i dont have the motivation to exercise. i should just face it, i'm lazy. then we parted ways, i walked back and stopped to stretch in the grassy area in front of byrnes. i ate lunch and took my time to shower and get ready. got my check from rr, cashed it, and headed to the barnes and noble in the arboretum. found this graphic novel ethan showed me the night before called blankets by craig thompson (huge book...582 pages to be exact) and i sat there and read the whole thing. it was just that good...beautiful story and drawings, good humor, deep thoughts. i definitely giggled out loud once or twice, and even considered crying. and approximately three hours later, after consuming a caramel macchiidontknowhowtospellit from starbucks, i exited b&n and headed home. decided to stick to the highways this time instead of the interstates cause it just seemed more exciting and listened to pedro while on the way. and you wanna know why i love pedro so much? i'm sure you dont but i feel the need to share anyways. its just pretty rare that i actually listen to pedro, with no distractions, and so i dont really know the words which keeps me from singing along so i can really listen to the words, to his voice (which is amazing) and man its just so good. with my eyes closed for a few brief seconds (so as not to rear end the geris in front of me) i couldnt help but be all smiles. once home i ate, went and watched beauty and the beast with ethan kristin and jake (which i loved cause movies like that, that you know so well, are the best ones to make fun of) and even played a little on ethan's new atari. i creamed jake. yup, sure did.

a brief headline for the masses...kathy (my manager at rack room in case you didnt know) had her baby this morning. baby boy named hunter maverick. 7lb 11oz with a full head of hair and boat feet. precious was about the only word i could come up with.

and i'm off...this has to be a record or something.