i broke my promise to you if you're wondering where i've been.

yes yes. i know i should be reading right now. among other things. but something just needs to be lifted in order to sleep tonight. in order to keep from screaming. or crying. i came to a really big realization just now. like ten minutes ago. while i was changing my bed around (which i'll get to) which is a pretty random way of realizing something so important. it finally occurred to me that i dont really like this place anymore. i dont know when it got to be that way or why or who helped me get there or how long i've been. i have absolutely no idea about the details. and as much as it hurts...its the truth. i've grown so damn tired and bored of this place that i'm starving for any change possible, even if it comes in the form of changing the position in which i lay my head at night. anything to make living here bearable. and i'm actually wanting to go home. that has never happened before. i've never had this strong desire to go home, to be with family. and now its here, and sure enough, i'm going this weekend. but i know, and it saddens me, that i'll just have to come right back. and maybe it is school and the fact that i havent had a break over 3 weeks long from it in about two years. and there wont be another break for another year and a half. and thats not even including outside work. i'm just drained. but maybe it is my living situation and things here that have just become too much. they just arent like how they use to be. we've become such serious people that stick to our own lives. and the more they isolate themselves and slip away, the more bitter and bitter i become towards them cause thats just my trademark. i mean i love them. they, along with so many others, really have become my family away from home and i deeply care for them. but the more and more that i think about it, i'm not even sure if i can be myself with them anymore.

the thing is...these feelings have always been here. towards them. i just think now, more than ever, they're taking over. and i just cant focus anymore.

mainly, i just wish my headache would go away.