everything was beautiful. nothing hurt.

i buried oz today.
outside under the small pear tree in the backyard.
i had noticed he wasnt swimming.
actually he hadnt been normal for a while.
being at home i put the tank in the kitchen.
being busy i neglected him.
i guess he had been dead for a while.
attached to the bottom of the filter
like it was sucking him in.
he was so tiny.
parts of him fading away and dark eyes.
he was a good fish, a kind pet.
i just regret that i forgot about him.
he hung in with me for two years though,
ever since i moved away to college.
at times he was my closest companion.
to me, that definitely counts for something.

maybe i'll get a pet turtle for next year.
and name him franklin.

and rob says "you love, love, love and then you die"

and mike, i'll teach you how to swim
if you turn the bad in me into good again.

i went to barnes and noble today, mostly in hopes i teaching myself some physics and getting some homework done. i've grown so tired of sitting in this house, struggling to understand, so i figured i would pick a different location in which to suffer miserably. (slightly joking...its getting a little bit better.) i had a thin t-shirt on, and large bookstores like to freeze people, so i sat in a big chair by the window in order to get some sun. things were nice. i was reading, concentrating. and then this man sits down in the chair next to me. at first there was no problem. he was quiet. not reading or looking at anything in particular, just sitting there. and then it started. snoring. i managed to look over between words and there he was, sprawled out taking his afternoon nap, sounding like a freight train roaring through the greeting card section. i looked up to see if the guy sitting nearby noticed how annoying his snoring was becoming, but of course the noise had no effect on him. so after a few minutes of no work done, i got up and moved to the cafe section (very chilly i might add.) and then i got a tazo brambleberry tea drink (tasty) and a shortbread cookie. life soon got better.

other than class and work, i've havent done much. trust me, those two with a little relaxing here and there, doesnt leave much time for anything else. however, i am trying to see old friends. i leave for salkehatchie on saturday. i'm really excited. only a little dreading the exhaustion that will come from it, but when i'm there it never feels like work, so still excited. salkehatchie is like the habitat for humanity for the united methodist church and its all over SC. this summer me and four others from my youth group are going to darlington for the first time. hopefully i'll get on a roofing site cause it the only thing i really know how to do, but i'd also like to pick up some other skills this summer. pray for our safety and that we all really get to connect with our house families. i'll be sure to post pictures once i return.

currently:
listening to brand new cds i recently purchased...rilo kiley=more adventrous, coldplay=x&Y, and mae=the everglow. also, did i mention i got a coldplay ticket for september in charlotte!!;
reading kurt vonnegut's God bless you, dr. kevorkian and the fourth harry potter: the goblet of fire (just started that one...almost 800 pages long!)...yep i have read 3 harry potter books in one month, they are addicting;
feeling tired and anxious but hanging in there.

p.s. if anyone is interested in seeing green day and jimmy eat world with me 8/24 in raleigh, please comment.

felicity.

"i just cant compromise myself like that.
i mean, i'm an emotional person.
i feel things and i need to be able to get upset
and to talk about how i'm feeling.
i mean, thats who i am.
i cant change it.
i dont want to.
and the thing is you knew that.
you knew it and you still pursued me
because you want something with me.
you're just not strong enough to have it
which in a way, makes you a coward.
and the saddest part is that
one day you're gonna wake up,
you're gonna realize what you missed
and its gonna be too late."

it just hit me...i dont think i'll ever see pierre again.
and i didnt even get to say goodbye.

help me up please...

because tonight just floored me.

i went with melanie, jake, and brooks to the annex. a tuesday night big college group in mt. pleasant thats a part of seacoast church. they started a new topic..."old school" which focuses on my new favorite bible topic ever since the ruf conference...the old testament. so yeah, pretty excited about that. then God just placed this urge on my heart to call this old friend of mine and invite him to come with me sometime. i havent yet cause it's kinda late, but the idea is scary cause i'm really not sure what he'll say. then all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, the announcements guy says they are gonna have an open ocean baptism on sunday. i was speechless. my heart starting pounding, then heavy breathing...i just knew i was gonna cry. and then jake leans over and says "i can go with you." so long story short, i made a bee-line for the sign up sheet not caring if i had to work and ignoring the fact that doing something like this scares me so badly. i just felt like i absolutely needed to. no questions asked.

then i talked to rique. constantly that boy provides me with good conversation. i told him about this girl that God clearly brought into out lives. her name is Nicole and shes kinda in the same situation as me, but opposite...leaves in rock hill but would rather be at school which is charleston. anyways, shes totally looking to join up with house church sometime, actually met rique and jake last week at morningstar, and soon rique will be her friend for life. just by chance i got to meet her. man, God was working overtime tonight and i love it.

p.s. i sent a letter to an old friend today.
i really hope he reads it.

i've seen the ripples.

ok...so how weird is it that i should be studying right now? i just cant get over this. its june, the normal month of summer boredom mixed in with the slight chance of a part time job at some random retail store or food provider. now the month of studying notes and preparing physics homework. those days ended a month ago, but still i'm plagued with the thoughts of velocity, trigonometry, and time travel (ok, so maybe that last thought wasnt covered in chapter one...still on my mind nonetheless.)

i think i'll give kim a call.

ok no answer. she's pretty bad about picking up. i'm pretty bad about leaving voicemails. i always sound confused. so anyways, moving on...

a lot has happened in the couple of weeks that i havent updated. i'll try to give a brief report and focus only on the major details. save everyone from more boredom than they deserve. hahaha. first of all, i finished the first harry potter. over half way through the second. its becoming really hard to set it down once i start reading, and when i absolutely have to because i have to go to work or class or something wasteful like that, it makes me very angry. yep, a new twist and turn at every door (or chapter ending) and it just keeps me hanging. which brings me to my next update. the motivation for quiet times has been lacking the past couple of weeks. i hardly ever have the desire to read the Word, and it seems that when i do its almost out of guilt. which helps me to arrive at my next point. i've been really sad. i mean, i've always been somewhat of an emotional person. just a few updates ago i was saying that i enjoyed a good sad moment from time to time. but this has been for weeks. random crying for no reason. even my parents noticed something was different. of course i didnt confide. i think sadness is bad enough by itself. shared sadness is just too much for me. so i've been thinking of reasons why i'm sad. for a while i didnt get it, but i'm kinda starting too. i keep reminding myself that despair is not from the Lord. He only wants joy and happiness for us. yes, there is pain and persecution, but that is never His desire. we talked about gratefulness last sunday at 412. they asked what were five things we were grateful to God for. i had just finished The Screwtape Letters, and after reading what Lewis wrote about it, i kept thinking about pleasure. just how God invented pleasure and enjoyment. how God placed in us this little part that can take delight in everything. just being able to value, enjoy, and be grateful for something is what i'm grateful for (if that makes any sense) whether i show it in my day to day life. so i thought about my life. ever since i got home from school for the summer i've been making comparisons. everything comes out in favor of where school is. i like my job there more, my church, my living situation. i miss my friends, my overall lifestyle. and i realized i was not taking enjoyment in things here. my church needs my presence, they're hungering souls. my job is better than it was at Christmas. i still have friends here. it really isnt that different from school anymore. so after all that pondering i came to the conclusion that being at home cant really be whats making me all this sad. then i thought it could be just my thoughts in general. the things that i preoccupy myself with. the ideas that are constantly bouncing around in my head. simply put...the distractions. and that actually has a little bit to do with it. i've had so many distractions lately. and every single one of them has kept me from growing closer to God. and that is whats making me sad! i dont read, i pray only out of desperation, and it took me two weeks to figure out that these things are unhealthy! get real! however, though i have realizations coming out of my ears, i'm still not sure of what to do quite yet. yes i have this distractions but how do i keep them from distracting me? perhaps tv and computer fasting. leaving harry potter behind some mornings. or maybe even just escaping every once and a while to read in the park. i dont want this distractions to become my burden that i mindlessly carry around. for mothers day i bought my mom the season one dvd pack of the tv show joan of arcadia. its about this high school girl that talks to God. He comes to her through messengers and He tells her to do things for Him through these people. every task He provides her has ripples. they effect everyone in her life in some way. thats why He asks her to do them. really good show to watch. anyways, in one episode shes mad at this girl, really mean to her, treats her horribly. God comes to her in the form of a little girl and Joan asks God how he could put those mean thoughts in her. God replys "everyone has a part of themselves they dont like. you carry it around like a burden. the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy you can choose to set it down."
what i mean by this huge and horribly long explanation...i want to be a lucky one.

p.s. ria left for india, equipped with cool shoes and an awesome orange backpack...hot. rique and sarah came down to see her off and she loved it. she is in my thoughts continuously.
p.p.s. me and mel went to sarah mackeys wedding. it was quaint but beautiful. i wish them both such joy!
p.p.p.s. house church got started last monday. jakes family, me and kim were the first attending. it was wonderful conversation. i felt bad/strange for not really sharing/talking about most of the stuff that i just put in this blog entry, but i wasnt ready to put it all out there quite yet.
p.p.p.p.s. plus i get nervous when i talk in front of people about personal things.

currently:
reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets;
listening to my wishes that i was listening to rilo kiley,
but i havent got the money to buy a cd;
feeling very tired from the weekends events
and very angry that i have to actually study. in june!