i've seen the ripples.

ok...so how weird is it that i should be studying right now? i just cant get over this. its june, the normal month of summer boredom mixed in with the slight chance of a part time job at some random retail store or food provider. now the month of studying notes and preparing physics homework. those days ended a month ago, but still i'm plagued with the thoughts of velocity, trigonometry, and time travel (ok, so maybe that last thought wasnt covered in chapter one...still on my mind nonetheless.)

i think i'll give kim a call.

ok no answer. she's pretty bad about picking up. i'm pretty bad about leaving voicemails. i always sound confused. so anyways, moving on...

a lot has happened in the couple of weeks that i havent updated. i'll try to give a brief report and focus only on the major details. save everyone from more boredom than they deserve. hahaha. first of all, i finished the first harry potter. over half way through the second. its becoming really hard to set it down once i start reading, and when i absolutely have to because i have to go to work or class or something wasteful like that, it makes me very angry. yep, a new twist and turn at every door (or chapter ending) and it just keeps me hanging. which brings me to my next update. the motivation for quiet times has been lacking the past couple of weeks. i hardly ever have the desire to read the Word, and it seems that when i do its almost out of guilt. which helps me to arrive at my next point. i've been really sad. i mean, i've always been somewhat of an emotional person. just a few updates ago i was saying that i enjoyed a good sad moment from time to time. but this has been for weeks. random crying for no reason. even my parents noticed something was different. of course i didnt confide. i think sadness is bad enough by itself. shared sadness is just too much for me. so i've been thinking of reasons why i'm sad. for a while i didnt get it, but i'm kinda starting too. i keep reminding myself that despair is not from the Lord. He only wants joy and happiness for us. yes, there is pain and persecution, but that is never His desire. we talked about gratefulness last sunday at 412. they asked what were five things we were grateful to God for. i had just finished The Screwtape Letters, and after reading what Lewis wrote about it, i kept thinking about pleasure. just how God invented pleasure and enjoyment. how God placed in us this little part that can take delight in everything. just being able to value, enjoy, and be grateful for something is what i'm grateful for (if that makes any sense) whether i show it in my day to day life. so i thought about my life. ever since i got home from school for the summer i've been making comparisons. everything comes out in favor of where school is. i like my job there more, my church, my living situation. i miss my friends, my overall lifestyle. and i realized i was not taking enjoyment in things here. my church needs my presence, they're hungering souls. my job is better than it was at Christmas. i still have friends here. it really isnt that different from school anymore. so after all that pondering i came to the conclusion that being at home cant really be whats making me all this sad. then i thought it could be just my thoughts in general. the things that i preoccupy myself with. the ideas that are constantly bouncing around in my head. simply put...the distractions. and that actually has a little bit to do with it. i've had so many distractions lately. and every single one of them has kept me from growing closer to God. and that is whats making me sad! i dont read, i pray only out of desperation, and it took me two weeks to figure out that these things are unhealthy! get real! however, though i have realizations coming out of my ears, i'm still not sure of what to do quite yet. yes i have this distractions but how do i keep them from distracting me? perhaps tv and computer fasting. leaving harry potter behind some mornings. or maybe even just escaping every once and a while to read in the park. i dont want this distractions to become my burden that i mindlessly carry around. for mothers day i bought my mom the season one dvd pack of the tv show joan of arcadia. its about this high school girl that talks to God. He comes to her through messengers and He tells her to do things for Him through these people. every task He provides her has ripples. they effect everyone in her life in some way. thats why He asks her to do them. really good show to watch. anyways, in one episode shes mad at this girl, really mean to her, treats her horribly. God comes to her in the form of a little girl and Joan asks God how he could put those mean thoughts in her. God replys "everyone has a part of themselves they dont like. you carry it around like a burden. the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy you can choose to set it down."
what i mean by this huge and horribly long explanation...i want to be a lucky one.

p.s. ria left for india, equipped with cool shoes and an awesome orange backpack...hot. rique and sarah came down to see her off and she loved it. she is in my thoughts continuously.
p.p.s. me and mel went to sarah mackeys wedding. it was quaint but beautiful. i wish them both such joy!
p.p.p.s. house church got started last monday. jakes family, me and kim were the first attending. it was wonderful conversation. i felt bad/strange for not really sharing/talking about most of the stuff that i just put in this blog entry, but i wasnt ready to put it all out there quite yet.
p.p.p.p.s. plus i get nervous when i talk in front of people about personal things.

currently:
reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets;
listening to my wishes that i was listening to rilo kiley,
but i havent got the money to buy a cd;
feeling very tired from the weekends events
and very angry that i have to actually study. in june!