did you know how you would move me?
did you know?
well, i dont really think so.
but the night came down and swept us away.
and its so close but we're so far away.
its so close but we're so far away.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
with a lifted face, i feel as if i could take you in Lord! and i breathe deeply.
so its been quite a while since i've really updated on how i am and how my summer is going. i've been waiting for a good time where i could really sit down and express all the random thoughts i've been thinking lately, but things have been surprisingly busy. surprisingly because its summer time. and i find that i hardly have a free night or a free afternoon to do anything anymore. and i had so many summer plans for myself. oh well.
so much has happened. again, not really in my life. mostly in my mind. these past couple of weeks have brought so many discoveries and revelations. i've read things and thought about them. heard things and thought about them. felt down and sad by things, thought about them, and cried. i'm not sad. just thinking too much.
i've been reading some really cool scripture. verses that are so plain and simple but sooooo cool. i mean, i know there are so many translations and most of the time they are used to help us understand it all better, but the simple language makes me think a lot. which i guess is the point. last thursday me and jake and kim went to rock hill for house church. yep, we traveled a total of almost 5 hours to spend 5 hours with some of the most awesome people ever. we read through jeremiah 31, which i'll discuss in a moment. then we worshiped and sang and hung out and had coffee. in the middle of worship, with people scattered, i smiled so big. i was so amazed that i could be so blessed to be surrounded by such love. from the people, from the Lord, everywhere. but shortly after, i was again sad and bitter because i knew i would leave soon and i wouldnt see them for another month. the trip was bittersweet but more than worth it. so anyways...jeremiah 31. we read through each verse. talked about the prophecies and the meanings. going back to the cool and simple language of the verses, there were two that really stuck out to me. verses that just hit me. one was jer 31: 21. it says "set up road signs; put up guideposts. take note of the highway, the road that you take." i love it. its just so plain and simple but it means so much. we talked about how you should set up not one but several markers to guide your way home. to find your way back to the Lord. but then someone brought up the point that everyone should know their way home, right? but whats cool is that the markers that we set up to help ourselves can also help so many others. those same markers made by our hands or thoughts or actions can guide others home as well. the second verse was more confusing. jer 31: 29-30 says "in those days people will no longer say, 'the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens's teeth are set on edge.' instead, everyone will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes - his own teeth will be set on edge." another translation says that the children's mouths will pucker. i thought the language of this verse was so cool, but i totally didnt understand any of it. so i asked. the group said that it referred to the original sin. because of the parent's sad deed, the children felt and "tasted" the after effects. it was passed on. and verse 30 says that now things are different. now all are held personally accountable for their own sin. so yeah, those are only two cool things from that night. they were so many more, but you know...i only have so much space on this thing:)
i've been thinking of the word sanctuary. when i went to salkehatchie a couple of weeks ago, there was this speaker from columbia that came and spoke to the camp one night. this guy is setting up a new church in columbia and he said that every week the people from the church show a movie in a local park and serve free drinks and such just to reach out to the community, get to know people. one week they showed lemony snicket's a series of unforunate events. the guy talked about the movie, how after all the crappy stuff stuff that happened to these three kids, they still had hope in the end that things would get better. i had wanted to see the movie. however, i had also heard that there were snakes in the movie and i dont get along well with snakes. for those of you that dont know me well, snakes are my biggest phobia, and i cant even stand to watch them on tv. so i was a bit hesitant to rent the flick. but slowly i convinced myself that it must be good and i decided to go ahead and get it. so i watched it (the snake part wasnt that bad actually.) but the thing that i got from it, the part that stuck out to me most wasnt the part about hope. in the middle of the movie, the kids found themselves in a horrible situation in a horrible house with a horrible guardian and still they managed to spend time together and be a family in the attic under and small tent. during this part the narrator said "sanctuary - a small safe place in a troubling world. like an oasis in a vast desert. or an island in a stormy sea." for the little ones, that tent in that dirty attic was their sanctuary. i loved the defintion and immediately wrote it down. i just started thinking. so many people look at the word sanctuary and they think of a building. myself included. they close their eyes and see benches and walls and stained glass and Bibles and an altar. a church. a structure. but the definition used in this movie said so much more. a sanctuary can be like a persons home. and though i live here, the more that i'm at school, the more i'm starting to consider my friends to be my "home." that group of amazing people that i eat with and spend time with and have house church with are my sanctuary. and more importantly, Jesus is our ultimate sanctuary. He is our safe place in a troubling world. He's willing to quench us when we are thirsty and protect us from the wind and rain when it storms. it just blows me away.
so thinking about my friends as my sanctuary made me consider something else. something i thought about tonight, and something that prompted me to start this neverending blog entry. ever since last semester i've felt a certain way about them, my close friends at school, and its sort of continued this summer. this is not talking bad, saying they dont care about me. i'm sure most of what i think about their part is made up in my head. the devil trying to make me feel sad or bitter or unworthy or low. and thats just not acceptable, i know. but some feelings are hard to overcome. and i'm also not saying that they dont mean the world to me. i care about them and feel so blessed to be apart of their lives, their stories (even if just a small chapter.) but i cant help but feeling a certain way sometimes. last semester, me and a friend confided in each other and expressed our feelings about how we think some of the people in the group view us. we both just agreed that we think everyone in the group sees us as the jokers. the ones that are kind but still sarcastic. sometimes i think they dont take me seriously, that i'm almost not spiritual enough. that unlike others, they cant confide in me and talk to me and spend separate time with me in order to share with me their struggles and concerns and praises, etc. i often feel that they spend so much time with others and work so hard at their other friendships, that at the end of the day, our friendships seem the weakest and most unreal. and i think the reason for this is my fault. i dont share. i dont confide. i never have. at the annex last night the speaker talked about lifters vs leaners. well i dont really know if i'm a lifter or not ( i hope i am) but i know that i've always been scared about becoming a leaner. if i just started pouring out my soul, crying, sharing, and telling all my secrets i would feel the like the most ridiculous person ever. no one wants to hear about my problems. i dont even have any interesting problems! and i think with me being this way, being scared to open up to even my closest friends, limits me in a big way. cause if i dont talk to them, what makes them think that i care enough for them to be able to talk to me. so for next year, i just pray that God will open me up like crazy! that He'll break down this walls that i've spent years building up so that people can open up to me and so our friendships will grow wicked strong! yay! haha
i have more thoughts, like on worship and such, but seeing as how its really late and this blog is already insanely long...til next time kids.
also, i'm working on some stories like jake and rique in hopes of jake letting me contribute to that new idea/anthology like thing that he's working on. wish me luck and inspiration.
currently:
reading 1 minute bible 4 students (a book i got from salkehatchie) and bagombo snuff box; waiting on my reserved copy of harry potter year 5 to come into the library so i can start reading that; listening to david gray's "say hello wave goodbye" for the third time already; feeling happy about good news but also starting to believe that rubber bands were once used as a medieval torture device, and their purpose hasnt really changed that much in all this time. goodnight.
so much has happened. again, not really in my life. mostly in my mind. these past couple of weeks have brought so many discoveries and revelations. i've read things and thought about them. heard things and thought about them. felt down and sad by things, thought about them, and cried. i'm not sad. just thinking too much.
i've been reading some really cool scripture. verses that are so plain and simple but sooooo cool. i mean, i know there are so many translations and most of the time they are used to help us understand it all better, but the simple language makes me think a lot. which i guess is the point. last thursday me and jake and kim went to rock hill for house church. yep, we traveled a total of almost 5 hours to spend 5 hours with some of the most awesome people ever. we read through jeremiah 31, which i'll discuss in a moment. then we worshiped and sang and hung out and had coffee. in the middle of worship, with people scattered, i smiled so big. i was so amazed that i could be so blessed to be surrounded by such love. from the people, from the Lord, everywhere. but shortly after, i was again sad and bitter because i knew i would leave soon and i wouldnt see them for another month. the trip was bittersweet but more than worth it. so anyways...jeremiah 31. we read through each verse. talked about the prophecies and the meanings. going back to the cool and simple language of the verses, there were two that really stuck out to me. verses that just hit me. one was jer 31: 21. it says "set up road signs; put up guideposts. take note of the highway, the road that you take." i love it. its just so plain and simple but it means so much. we talked about how you should set up not one but several markers to guide your way home. to find your way back to the Lord. but then someone brought up the point that everyone should know their way home, right? but whats cool is that the markers that we set up to help ourselves can also help so many others. those same markers made by our hands or thoughts or actions can guide others home as well. the second verse was more confusing. jer 31: 29-30 says "in those days people will no longer say, 'the fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens's teeth are set on edge.' instead, everyone will die for his own sin; whoever eats sour grapes - his own teeth will be set on edge." another translation says that the children's mouths will pucker. i thought the language of this verse was so cool, but i totally didnt understand any of it. so i asked. the group said that it referred to the original sin. because of the parent's sad deed, the children felt and "tasted" the after effects. it was passed on. and verse 30 says that now things are different. now all are held personally accountable for their own sin. so yeah, those are only two cool things from that night. they were so many more, but you know...i only have so much space on this thing:)
i've been thinking of the word sanctuary. when i went to salkehatchie a couple of weeks ago, there was this speaker from columbia that came and spoke to the camp one night. this guy is setting up a new church in columbia and he said that every week the people from the church show a movie in a local park and serve free drinks and such just to reach out to the community, get to know people. one week they showed lemony snicket's a series of unforunate events. the guy talked about the movie, how after all the crappy stuff stuff that happened to these three kids, they still had hope in the end that things would get better. i had wanted to see the movie. however, i had also heard that there were snakes in the movie and i dont get along well with snakes. for those of you that dont know me well, snakes are my biggest phobia, and i cant even stand to watch them on tv. so i was a bit hesitant to rent the flick. but slowly i convinced myself that it must be good and i decided to go ahead and get it. so i watched it (the snake part wasnt that bad actually.) but the thing that i got from it, the part that stuck out to me most wasnt the part about hope. in the middle of the movie, the kids found themselves in a horrible situation in a horrible house with a horrible guardian and still they managed to spend time together and be a family in the attic under and small tent. during this part the narrator said "sanctuary - a small safe place in a troubling world. like an oasis in a vast desert. or an island in a stormy sea." for the little ones, that tent in that dirty attic was their sanctuary. i loved the defintion and immediately wrote it down. i just started thinking. so many people look at the word sanctuary and they think of a building. myself included. they close their eyes and see benches and walls and stained glass and Bibles and an altar. a church. a structure. but the definition used in this movie said so much more. a sanctuary can be like a persons home. and though i live here, the more that i'm at school, the more i'm starting to consider my friends to be my "home." that group of amazing people that i eat with and spend time with and have house church with are my sanctuary. and more importantly, Jesus is our ultimate sanctuary. He is our safe place in a troubling world. He's willing to quench us when we are thirsty and protect us from the wind and rain when it storms. it just blows me away.
so thinking about my friends as my sanctuary made me consider something else. something i thought about tonight, and something that prompted me to start this neverending blog entry. ever since last semester i've felt a certain way about them, my close friends at school, and its sort of continued this summer. this is not talking bad, saying they dont care about me. i'm sure most of what i think about their part is made up in my head. the devil trying to make me feel sad or bitter or unworthy or low. and thats just not acceptable, i know. but some feelings are hard to overcome. and i'm also not saying that they dont mean the world to me. i care about them and feel so blessed to be apart of their lives, their stories (even if just a small chapter.) but i cant help but feeling a certain way sometimes. last semester, me and a friend confided in each other and expressed our feelings about how we think some of the people in the group view us. we both just agreed that we think everyone in the group sees us as the jokers. the ones that are kind but still sarcastic. sometimes i think they dont take me seriously, that i'm almost not spiritual enough. that unlike others, they cant confide in me and talk to me and spend separate time with me in order to share with me their struggles and concerns and praises, etc. i often feel that they spend so much time with others and work so hard at their other friendships, that at the end of the day, our friendships seem the weakest and most unreal. and i think the reason for this is my fault. i dont share. i dont confide. i never have. at the annex last night the speaker talked about lifters vs leaners. well i dont really know if i'm a lifter or not ( i hope i am) but i know that i've always been scared about becoming a leaner. if i just started pouring out my soul, crying, sharing, and telling all my secrets i would feel the like the most ridiculous person ever. no one wants to hear about my problems. i dont even have any interesting problems! and i think with me being this way, being scared to open up to even my closest friends, limits me in a big way. cause if i dont talk to them, what makes them think that i care enough for them to be able to talk to me. so for next year, i just pray that God will open me up like crazy! that He'll break down this walls that i've spent years building up so that people can open up to me and so our friendships will grow wicked strong! yay! haha
i have more thoughts, like on worship and such, but seeing as how its really late and this blog is already insanely long...til next time kids.
also, i'm working on some stories like jake and rique in hopes of jake letting me contribute to that new idea/anthology like thing that he's working on. wish me luck and inspiration.
currently:
reading 1 minute bible 4 students (a book i got from salkehatchie) and bagombo snuff box; waiting on my reserved copy of harry potter year 5 to come into the library so i can start reading that; listening to david gray's "say hello wave goodbye" for the third time already; feeling happy about good news but also starting to believe that rubber bands were once used as a medieval torture device, and their purpose hasnt really changed that much in all this time. goodnight.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
america...yeah!
well hello kids...
today is the fourth. my family and i attempted to see fireworks put on by the great town of summerville. unfortunately that didnt work out to well. by the time we actually found a place to park without the fear of being towed or attacked by rioters, the only fireworks we could see were a few spurts of color behind a house and several trees. and by then my mom was about to go crazy. an all around good time had by all. i love the holidays.
i got back from salkehatchie on saturday. i had a blast of a time. i mean, i normally look forward to it and the general experience is enough to make me happy, but this year was special cause i really havent been able to talk to or hang out my youth group in quite a long time. i still go to my church but i havent exactly been a part of the youth in quite a while. i just dont really feel a part of the group like i use to somewhat feel before. but this week was wonderful. we had a really good time together - laughing, singing, dancing, working, and playing foosball. i was on the site of mr. james bacote and his daughter. most of the work was inside. its my fourth summer doing salkehatchie and in the past years i've always worked on a roof. at the end of the week there was this one final result that showed our work and generally we were the only ones that noticed. but this year was extremely different. almost everything was done on the inside except the front porch and a new pump house outside, and every room looked completely different in the end. the entire house was painted inside and out. the bathroom was fixed. new sheet rock was put up. new kitchen cabinets were put in. the water was fixed and turned on. curtains were put up. new couches and carpet were donated and brought in. it was absolutely amazing. i was in awe at the end of the week. me and my good friend allyson were on the same site together. it was really nice to spend time with her this week. she's gonna be a freshmen at usc next year and i could tell shes really excited. after two years of school, i can say i know what that felt like and i made it through. i know she'll be fine. we met some really cool new people too. almost the entire camp was younger than me, but by the end of the week i'd actually grown attached to a couple of them. michael and adam were among my favorites. those two cracked me up and i really hope i can continue to keep in touch with them, rather than just maybe getting to see them next year if i go back.
anyways, check out my pictures. i had to make a second pic site cause the first filled up. so the second one is
http://community.webshots.com/user/serenacorine2
and the original site is the related link on the right. enjoy friends.
currently:
trying to catch up on physics,
watching the oc (i'm revisiting the classic,)
thinking about making some tea,
and wishing i could read harry potter
instead of doing homework (story of my life.)
p.s. to all my good salkehatchie friends...
all i have to say is "matt damon!" hahaha
today is the fourth. my family and i attempted to see fireworks put on by the great town of summerville. unfortunately that didnt work out to well. by the time we actually found a place to park without the fear of being towed or attacked by rioters, the only fireworks we could see were a few spurts of color behind a house and several trees. and by then my mom was about to go crazy. an all around good time had by all. i love the holidays.
i got back from salkehatchie on saturday. i had a blast of a time. i mean, i normally look forward to it and the general experience is enough to make me happy, but this year was special cause i really havent been able to talk to or hang out my youth group in quite a long time. i still go to my church but i havent exactly been a part of the youth in quite a while. i just dont really feel a part of the group like i use to somewhat feel before. but this week was wonderful. we had a really good time together - laughing, singing, dancing, working, and playing foosball. i was on the site of mr. james bacote and his daughter. most of the work was inside. its my fourth summer doing salkehatchie and in the past years i've always worked on a roof. at the end of the week there was this one final result that showed our work and generally we were the only ones that noticed. but this year was extremely different. almost everything was done on the inside except the front porch and a new pump house outside, and every room looked completely different in the end. the entire house was painted inside and out. the bathroom was fixed. new sheet rock was put up. new kitchen cabinets were put in. the water was fixed and turned on. curtains were put up. new couches and carpet were donated and brought in. it was absolutely amazing. i was in awe at the end of the week. me and my good friend allyson were on the same site together. it was really nice to spend time with her this week. she's gonna be a freshmen at usc next year and i could tell shes really excited. after two years of school, i can say i know what that felt like and i made it through. i know she'll be fine. we met some really cool new people too. almost the entire camp was younger than me, but by the end of the week i'd actually grown attached to a couple of them. michael and adam were among my favorites. those two cracked me up and i really hope i can continue to keep in touch with them, rather than just maybe getting to see them next year if i go back.
anyways, check out my pictures. i had to make a second pic site cause the first filled up. so the second one is
http://community.webshots.com/user/serenacorine2
and the original site is the related link on the right. enjoy friends.
currently:
trying to catch up on physics,
watching the oc (i'm revisiting the classic,)
thinking about making some tea,
and wishing i could read harry potter
instead of doing homework (story of my life.)
p.s. to all my good salkehatchie friends...
all i have to say is "matt damon!" hahaha
Monday, July 04, 2005
the fourth.
happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear rique
happy birthday to you!!
oh yeah, same to america too.
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear rique
happy birthday to you!!
oh yeah, same to america too.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
rewind.
in regards to a previous post of mine,
the one about my top ten favorite songs of all time
in true high fidelity style...
i have a slight change to make.
not sure where it would appear in the list
but i have to add the song that goes
a little something like this...
i would walk 500 miles
and i would walk 500 more
just to be the man who walked a 1000 miles
to fall down at your door
dada da dada da
dadadadada
dada da dada da
dadadadada
it makes me think of beautiful ria in india
and how much i miss her
as well as all my other rock hilll friends
and how excited i am about next year
and how much i wanna go back to school
and then i stop thinking cause the sadness is too great.
i also think about how i'd really like to watch benny joon
i mean, when johnny makes the bread dance...
there is simply nothing better.
an update about salkehatchie 2005 will be posted soon.
stay tune.
the one about my top ten favorite songs of all time
in true high fidelity style...
i have a slight change to make.
not sure where it would appear in the list
but i have to add the song that goes
a little something like this...
i would walk 500 miles
and i would walk 500 more
just to be the man who walked a 1000 miles
to fall down at your door
dada da dada da
dadadadada
dada da dada da
dadadadada
it makes me think of beautiful ria in india
and how much i miss her
as well as all my other rock hilll friends
and how excited i am about next year
and how much i wanna go back to school
and then i stop thinking cause the sadness is too great.
i also think about how i'd really like to watch benny joon
i mean, when johnny makes the bread dance...
there is simply nothing better.
an update about salkehatchie 2005 will be posted soon.
stay tune.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
everything was beautiful. nothing hurt.
i buried oz today.
outside under the small pear tree in the backyard.
i had noticed he wasnt swimming.
actually he hadnt been normal for a while.
being at home i put the tank in the kitchen.
being busy i neglected him.
i guess he had been dead for a while.
attached to the bottom of the filter
like it was sucking him in.
he was so tiny.
parts of him fading away and dark eyes.
he was a good fish, a kind pet.
i just regret that i forgot about him.
he hung in with me for two years though,
ever since i moved away to college.
at times he was my closest companion.
to me, that definitely counts for something.
maybe i'll get a pet turtle for next year.
and name him franklin.
outside under the small pear tree in the backyard.
i had noticed he wasnt swimming.
actually he hadnt been normal for a while.
being at home i put the tank in the kitchen.
being busy i neglected him.
i guess he had been dead for a while.
attached to the bottom of the filter
like it was sucking him in.
he was so tiny.
parts of him fading away and dark eyes.
he was a good fish, a kind pet.
i just regret that i forgot about him.
he hung in with me for two years though,
ever since i moved away to college.
at times he was my closest companion.
to me, that definitely counts for something.
maybe i'll get a pet turtle for next year.
and name him franklin.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
and rob says "you love, love, love and then you die"
and mike, i'll teach you how to swim
if you turn the bad in me into good again.
i went to barnes and noble today, mostly in hopes i teaching myself some physics and getting some homework done. i've grown so tired of sitting in this house, struggling to understand, so i figured i would pick a different location in which to suffer miserably. (slightly joking...its getting a little bit better.) i had a thin t-shirt on, and large bookstores like to freeze people, so i sat in a big chair by the window in order to get some sun. things were nice. i was reading, concentrating. and then this man sits down in the chair next to me. at first there was no problem. he was quiet. not reading or looking at anything in particular, just sitting there. and then it started. snoring. i managed to look over between words and there he was, sprawled out taking his afternoon nap, sounding like a freight train roaring through the greeting card section. i looked up to see if the guy sitting nearby noticed how annoying his snoring was becoming, but of course the noise had no effect on him. so after a few minutes of no work done, i got up and moved to the cafe section (very chilly i might add.) and then i got a tazo brambleberry tea drink (tasty) and a shortbread cookie. life soon got better.
other than class and work, i've havent done much. trust me, those two with a little relaxing here and there, doesnt leave much time for anything else. however, i am trying to see old friends. i leave for salkehatchie on saturday. i'm really excited. only a little dreading the exhaustion that will come from it, but when i'm there it never feels like work, so still excited. salkehatchie is like the habitat for humanity for the united methodist church and its all over SC. this summer me and four others from my youth group are going to darlington for the first time. hopefully i'll get on a roofing site cause it the only thing i really know how to do, but i'd also like to pick up some other skills this summer. pray for our safety and that we all really get to connect with our house families. i'll be sure to post pictures once i return.
currently:
listening to brand new cds i recently purchased...rilo kiley=more adventrous, coldplay=x&Y, and mae=the everglow. also, did i mention i got a coldplay ticket for september in charlotte!!;
reading kurt vonnegut's God bless you, dr. kevorkian and the fourth harry potter: the goblet of fire (just started that one...almost 800 pages long!)...yep i have read 3 harry potter books in one month, they are addicting;
feeling tired and anxious but hanging in there.
p.s. if anyone is interested in seeing green day and jimmy eat world with me 8/24 in raleigh, please comment.
if you turn the bad in me into good again.
i went to barnes and noble today, mostly in hopes i teaching myself some physics and getting some homework done. i've grown so tired of sitting in this house, struggling to understand, so i figured i would pick a different location in which to suffer miserably. (slightly joking...its getting a little bit better.) i had a thin t-shirt on, and large bookstores like to freeze people, so i sat in a big chair by the window in order to get some sun. things were nice. i was reading, concentrating. and then this man sits down in the chair next to me. at first there was no problem. he was quiet. not reading or looking at anything in particular, just sitting there. and then it started. snoring. i managed to look over between words and there he was, sprawled out taking his afternoon nap, sounding like a freight train roaring through the greeting card section. i looked up to see if the guy sitting nearby noticed how annoying his snoring was becoming, but of course the noise had no effect on him. so after a few minutes of no work done, i got up and moved to the cafe section (very chilly i might add.) and then i got a tazo brambleberry tea drink (tasty) and a shortbread cookie. life soon got better.
other than class and work, i've havent done much. trust me, those two with a little relaxing here and there, doesnt leave much time for anything else. however, i am trying to see old friends. i leave for salkehatchie on saturday. i'm really excited. only a little dreading the exhaustion that will come from it, but when i'm there it never feels like work, so still excited. salkehatchie is like the habitat for humanity for the united methodist church and its all over SC. this summer me and four others from my youth group are going to darlington for the first time. hopefully i'll get on a roofing site cause it the only thing i really know how to do, but i'd also like to pick up some other skills this summer. pray for our safety and that we all really get to connect with our house families. i'll be sure to post pictures once i return.
currently:
listening to brand new cds i recently purchased...rilo kiley=more adventrous, coldplay=x&Y, and mae=the everglow. also, did i mention i got a coldplay ticket for september in charlotte!!;
reading kurt vonnegut's God bless you, dr. kevorkian and the fourth harry potter: the goblet of fire (just started that one...almost 800 pages long!)...yep i have read 3 harry potter books in one month, they are addicting;
feeling tired and anxious but hanging in there.
p.s. if anyone is interested in seeing green day and jimmy eat world with me 8/24 in raleigh, please comment.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
felicity.
"i just cant compromise myself like that.
i mean, i'm an emotional person.
i feel things and i need to be able to get upset
and to talk about how i'm feeling.
i mean, thats who i am.
i cant change it.
i dont want to.
and the thing is you knew that.
you knew it and you still pursued me
because you want something with me.
you're just not strong enough to have it
which in a way, makes you a coward.
and the saddest part is that
one day you're gonna wake up,
you're gonna realize what you missed
and its gonna be too late."
i mean, i'm an emotional person.
i feel things and i need to be able to get upset
and to talk about how i'm feeling.
i mean, thats who i am.
i cant change it.
i dont want to.
and the thing is you knew that.
you knew it and you still pursued me
because you want something with me.
you're just not strong enough to have it
which in a way, makes you a coward.
and the saddest part is that
one day you're gonna wake up,
you're gonna realize what you missed
and its gonna be too late."
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
help me up please...
because tonight just floored me.
i went with melanie, jake, and brooks to the annex. a tuesday night big college group in mt. pleasant thats a part of seacoast church. they started a new topic..."old school" which focuses on my new favorite bible topic ever since the ruf conference...the old testament. so yeah, pretty excited about that. then God just placed this urge on my heart to call this old friend of mine and invite him to come with me sometime. i havent yet cause it's kinda late, but the idea is scary cause i'm really not sure what he'll say. then all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, the announcements guy says they are gonna have an open ocean baptism on sunday. i was speechless. my heart starting pounding, then heavy breathing...i just knew i was gonna cry. and then jake leans over and says "i can go with you." so long story short, i made a bee-line for the sign up sheet not caring if i had to work and ignoring the fact that doing something like this scares me so badly. i just felt like i absolutely needed to. no questions asked.
then i talked to rique. constantly that boy provides me with good conversation. i told him about this girl that God clearly brought into out lives. her name is Nicole and shes kinda in the same situation as me, but opposite...leaves in rock hill but would rather be at school which is charleston. anyways, shes totally looking to join up with house church sometime, actually met rique and jake last week at morningstar, and soon rique will be her friend for life. just by chance i got to meet her. man, God was working overtime tonight and i love it.
p.s. i sent a letter to an old friend today.
i really hope he reads it.
i went with melanie, jake, and brooks to the annex. a tuesday night big college group in mt. pleasant thats a part of seacoast church. they started a new topic..."old school" which focuses on my new favorite bible topic ever since the ruf conference...the old testament. so yeah, pretty excited about that. then God just placed this urge on my heart to call this old friend of mine and invite him to come with me sometime. i havent yet cause it's kinda late, but the idea is scary cause i'm really not sure what he'll say. then all of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, the announcements guy says they are gonna have an open ocean baptism on sunday. i was speechless. my heart starting pounding, then heavy breathing...i just knew i was gonna cry. and then jake leans over and says "i can go with you." so long story short, i made a bee-line for the sign up sheet not caring if i had to work and ignoring the fact that doing something like this scares me so badly. i just felt like i absolutely needed to. no questions asked.
then i talked to rique. constantly that boy provides me with good conversation. i told him about this girl that God clearly brought into out lives. her name is Nicole and shes kinda in the same situation as me, but opposite...leaves in rock hill but would rather be at school which is charleston. anyways, shes totally looking to join up with house church sometime, actually met rique and jake last week at morningstar, and soon rique will be her friend for life. just by chance i got to meet her. man, God was working overtime tonight and i love it.
p.s. i sent a letter to an old friend today.
i really hope he reads it.
Monday, June 06, 2005
i've seen the ripples.
ok...so how weird is it that i should be studying right now? i just cant get over this. its june, the normal month of summer boredom mixed in with the slight chance of a part time job at some random retail store or food provider. now the month of studying notes and preparing physics homework. those days ended a month ago, but still i'm plagued with the thoughts of velocity, trigonometry, and time travel (ok, so maybe that last thought wasnt covered in chapter one...still on my mind nonetheless.)
i think i'll give kim a call.
ok no answer. she's pretty bad about picking up. i'm pretty bad about leaving voicemails. i always sound confused. so anyways, moving on...
a lot has happened in the couple of weeks that i havent updated. i'll try to give a brief report and focus only on the major details. save everyone from more boredom than they deserve. hahaha. first of all, i finished the first harry potter. over half way through the second. its becoming really hard to set it down once i start reading, and when i absolutely have to because i have to go to work or class or something wasteful like that, it makes me very angry. yep, a new twist and turn at every door (or chapter ending) and it just keeps me hanging. which brings me to my next update. the motivation for quiet times has been lacking the past couple of weeks. i hardly ever have the desire to read the Word, and it seems that when i do its almost out of guilt. which helps me to arrive at my next point. i've been really sad. i mean, i've always been somewhat of an emotional person. just a few updates ago i was saying that i enjoyed a good sad moment from time to time. but this has been for weeks. random crying for no reason. even my parents noticed something was different. of course i didnt confide. i think sadness is bad enough by itself. shared sadness is just too much for me. so i've been thinking of reasons why i'm sad. for a while i didnt get it, but i'm kinda starting too. i keep reminding myself that despair is not from the Lord. He only wants joy and happiness for us. yes, there is pain and persecution, but that is never His desire. we talked about gratefulness last sunday at 412. they asked what were five things we were grateful to God for. i had just finished The Screwtape Letters, and after reading what Lewis wrote about it, i kept thinking about pleasure. just how God invented pleasure and enjoyment. how God placed in us this little part that can take delight in everything. just being able to value, enjoy, and be grateful for something is what i'm grateful for (if that makes any sense) whether i show it in my day to day life. so i thought about my life. ever since i got home from school for the summer i've been making comparisons. everything comes out in favor of where school is. i like my job there more, my church, my living situation. i miss my friends, my overall lifestyle. and i realized i was not taking enjoyment in things here. my church needs my presence, they're hungering souls. my job is better than it was at Christmas. i still have friends here. it really isnt that different from school anymore. so after all that pondering i came to the conclusion that being at home cant really be whats making me all this sad. then i thought it could be just my thoughts in general. the things that i preoccupy myself with. the ideas that are constantly bouncing around in my head. simply put...the distractions. and that actually has a little bit to do with it. i've had so many distractions lately. and every single one of them has kept me from growing closer to God. and that is whats making me sad! i dont read, i pray only out of desperation, and it took me two weeks to figure out that these things are unhealthy! get real! however, though i have realizations coming out of my ears, i'm still not sure of what to do quite yet. yes i have this distractions but how do i keep them from distracting me? perhaps tv and computer fasting. leaving harry potter behind some mornings. or maybe even just escaping every once and a while to read in the park. i dont want this distractions to become my burden that i mindlessly carry around. for mothers day i bought my mom the season one dvd pack of the tv show joan of arcadia. its about this high school girl that talks to God. He comes to her through messengers and He tells her to do things for Him through these people. every task He provides her has ripples. they effect everyone in her life in some way. thats why He asks her to do them. really good show to watch. anyways, in one episode shes mad at this girl, really mean to her, treats her horribly. God comes to her in the form of a little girl and Joan asks God how he could put those mean thoughts in her. God replys "everyone has a part of themselves they dont like. you carry it around like a burden. the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy you can choose to set it down."
what i mean by this huge and horribly long explanation...i want to be a lucky one.
p.s. ria left for india, equipped with cool shoes and an awesome orange backpack...hot. rique and sarah came down to see her off and she loved it. she is in my thoughts continuously.
p.p.s. me and mel went to sarah mackeys wedding. it was quaint but beautiful. i wish them both such joy!
p.p.p.s. house church got started last monday. jakes family, me and kim were the first attending. it was wonderful conversation. i felt bad/strange for not really sharing/talking about most of the stuff that i just put in this blog entry, but i wasnt ready to put it all out there quite yet.
p.p.p.p.s. plus i get nervous when i talk in front of people about personal things.
currently:
reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets;
listening to my wishes that i was listening to rilo kiley,
but i havent got the money to buy a cd;
feeling very tired from the weekends events
and very angry that i have to actually study. in june!
i think i'll give kim a call.
ok no answer. she's pretty bad about picking up. i'm pretty bad about leaving voicemails. i always sound confused. so anyways, moving on...
a lot has happened in the couple of weeks that i havent updated. i'll try to give a brief report and focus only on the major details. save everyone from more boredom than they deserve. hahaha. first of all, i finished the first harry potter. over half way through the second. its becoming really hard to set it down once i start reading, and when i absolutely have to because i have to go to work or class or something wasteful like that, it makes me very angry. yep, a new twist and turn at every door (or chapter ending) and it just keeps me hanging. which brings me to my next update. the motivation for quiet times has been lacking the past couple of weeks. i hardly ever have the desire to read the Word, and it seems that when i do its almost out of guilt. which helps me to arrive at my next point. i've been really sad. i mean, i've always been somewhat of an emotional person. just a few updates ago i was saying that i enjoyed a good sad moment from time to time. but this has been for weeks. random crying for no reason. even my parents noticed something was different. of course i didnt confide. i think sadness is bad enough by itself. shared sadness is just too much for me. so i've been thinking of reasons why i'm sad. for a while i didnt get it, but i'm kinda starting too. i keep reminding myself that despair is not from the Lord. He only wants joy and happiness for us. yes, there is pain and persecution, but that is never His desire. we talked about gratefulness last sunday at 412. they asked what were five things we were grateful to God for. i had just finished The Screwtape Letters, and after reading what Lewis wrote about it, i kept thinking about pleasure. just how God invented pleasure and enjoyment. how God placed in us this little part that can take delight in everything. just being able to value, enjoy, and be grateful for something is what i'm grateful for (if that makes any sense) whether i show it in my day to day life. so i thought about my life. ever since i got home from school for the summer i've been making comparisons. everything comes out in favor of where school is. i like my job there more, my church, my living situation. i miss my friends, my overall lifestyle. and i realized i was not taking enjoyment in things here. my church needs my presence, they're hungering souls. my job is better than it was at Christmas. i still have friends here. it really isnt that different from school anymore. so after all that pondering i came to the conclusion that being at home cant really be whats making me all this sad. then i thought it could be just my thoughts in general. the things that i preoccupy myself with. the ideas that are constantly bouncing around in my head. simply put...the distractions. and that actually has a little bit to do with it. i've had so many distractions lately. and every single one of them has kept me from growing closer to God. and that is whats making me sad! i dont read, i pray only out of desperation, and it took me two weeks to figure out that these things are unhealthy! get real! however, though i have realizations coming out of my ears, i'm still not sure of what to do quite yet. yes i have this distractions but how do i keep them from distracting me? perhaps tv and computer fasting. leaving harry potter behind some mornings. or maybe even just escaping every once and a while to read in the park. i dont want this distractions to become my burden that i mindlessly carry around. for mothers day i bought my mom the season one dvd pack of the tv show joan of arcadia. its about this high school girl that talks to God. He comes to her through messengers and He tells her to do things for Him through these people. every task He provides her has ripples. they effect everyone in her life in some way. thats why He asks her to do them. really good show to watch. anyways, in one episode shes mad at this girl, really mean to her, treats her horribly. God comes to her in the form of a little girl and Joan asks God how he could put those mean thoughts in her. God replys "everyone has a part of themselves they dont like. you carry it around like a burden. the lucky ones realize that when it becomes too heavy you can choose to set it down."
what i mean by this huge and horribly long explanation...i want to be a lucky one.
p.s. ria left for india, equipped with cool shoes and an awesome orange backpack...hot. rique and sarah came down to see her off and she loved it. she is in my thoughts continuously.
p.p.s. me and mel went to sarah mackeys wedding. it was quaint but beautiful. i wish them both such joy!
p.p.p.s. house church got started last monday. jakes family, me and kim were the first attending. it was wonderful conversation. i felt bad/strange for not really sharing/talking about most of the stuff that i just put in this blog entry, but i wasnt ready to put it all out there quite yet.
p.p.p.p.s. plus i get nervous when i talk in front of people about personal things.
currently:
reading harry potter and the chamber of secrets;
listening to my wishes that i was listening to rilo kiley,
but i havent got the money to buy a cd;
feeling very tired from the weekends events
and very angry that i have to actually study. in june!
Sunday, May 22, 2005
if any of your have ever read the screwtape letters, you know that the book by the great C.S. Lewis can really challenge a christian's mind. written from the perspective of an uncle demon to his nephew demon on the subject of a "patient" they are trying to win over to the their "father" (aka Satan), each letter shows how the devil really works; all of those little thoughts and big actions we humans commit that those demons use to pull us away from the "enemy" (aka God.) i've started this book twice and both times i've gotten to letter number 8 and was quickly blown away. this passage just gives me chills, and i knew i had to post it. it will be long, but bare with me.
Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation - the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life - his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenonmenon which will do us no good unless you make good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself - creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself; the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry from the will along duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only by the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
Humans are amphibians - half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation - the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life - his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenonmenon which will do us no good unless you make good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself - creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself; the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs - to carry from the will along duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only by the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.
Friday, May 20, 2005
how would you describe it? summer, that is.
i roll the window down and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
then looking upwards i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
do they collide? i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash the world doesnt matter
when you feel embarrassed, then i'll be your pride
when you need directions, then i'll be your guide
for all time.
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
then looking upwards i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
do they collide? i ask and you smile
with my feet on the dash the world doesnt matter
when you feel embarrassed, then i'll be your pride
when you need directions, then i'll be your guide
for all time.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
find out what pleases the Lord. eph 5:10
i just got finished reading ephesians tonight.
and oh man, so much for desiring goodwill t-shirts
and old navy bermuda shorts.
this is definitely what i should be wearing...
*belt of truth
*breastplate of righteousness
*feet fitted in the readiness of the gospel of peace
*shield of faith
*helmet of salvation
*sword of spirit (word of God)
so much for my wardrobe, eh?
"pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador of chains. pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should"
--ephesians 6:19-20.
and oh man, so much for desiring goodwill t-shirts
and old navy bermuda shorts.
this is definitely what i should be wearing...
*belt of truth
*breastplate of righteousness
*feet fitted in the readiness of the gospel of peace
*shield of faith
*helmet of salvation
*sword of spirit (word of God)
so much for my wardrobe, eh?
"pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador of chains. pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should"
--ephesians 6:19-20.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
sunshine...been keeping me up for days.
last night i took my mom to the emergency room.
she came around the corner, looked at me crying,
and said "i dont think i can take it anymore."
an amazing state of calmness and control took over me.
sure, i didnt think she was going to die.
i, in no way, feared her life. just to see her pain was enough.
but i knew exactly what to do. i grabbed her stuff
and in five minutes we were on our way to trident.
i began praying in the car. just for her release.
Healer, comfort her, take away her pain.
my mom is never sick. i've never seen her go to the doctor
let alone the er, but the hanging onto the wall for support,
the gasping breaths, was a real eye-opener.
i realized, as depressing as this sounds, that its only the beginning.
i certainly pray for her long life. for her safety until a very old age.
i want nothing more than to see my mom as a geri grandma.
ok, so maybe that came out wrong,
but its still the truth. and as hard as it is to grasp,
despite that tiny detail that i've been her responsibility
for the last 19 years, shes also my responsiblity.
now, and even more so 30 years from now.
on a completely different and slightly random note...
in the true style of high fidelity,
i've made a list of my top 10 favorite songs of all time.
i know you dont care, whoever you are,
but for me, its a very big deal to be able to narrow it down to only 10.
so here goes...
1. black water=the doobie brothers
2. hello, goodbye=the beatles
3. in the end=greenday
4. me and julio down by the schoolyard=simon and garfunkel
5. send me on my way=rusted root
6. wish you were here=pink floyd
7. i didnt understand=elliot smith
8. ender will save us all=dashboard confessional
9. ocean breathes salty=modest mouse
10. jefferson, aero plane=relient k
everythings not lost=coldplay and
motorcycle drive-by=third eye blind
are definite wannabes, but no cigar.
p.s. i miss rock hill desperately.
she came around the corner, looked at me crying,
and said "i dont think i can take it anymore."
an amazing state of calmness and control took over me.
sure, i didnt think she was going to die.
i, in no way, feared her life. just to see her pain was enough.
but i knew exactly what to do. i grabbed her stuff
and in five minutes we were on our way to trident.
i began praying in the car. just for her release.
Healer, comfort her, take away her pain.
my mom is never sick. i've never seen her go to the doctor
let alone the er, but the hanging onto the wall for support,
the gasping breaths, was a real eye-opener.
i realized, as depressing as this sounds, that its only the beginning.
i certainly pray for her long life. for her safety until a very old age.
i want nothing more than to see my mom as a geri grandma.
ok, so maybe that came out wrong,
but its still the truth. and as hard as it is to grasp,
despite that tiny detail that i've been her responsibility
for the last 19 years, shes also my responsiblity.
now, and even more so 30 years from now.
on a completely different and slightly random note...
in the true style of high fidelity,
i've made a list of my top 10 favorite songs of all time.
i know you dont care, whoever you are,
but for me, its a very big deal to be able to narrow it down to only 10.
so here goes...
1. black water=the doobie brothers
2. hello, goodbye=the beatles
3. in the end=greenday
4. me and julio down by the schoolyard=simon and garfunkel
5. send me on my way=rusted root
6. wish you were here=pink floyd
7. i didnt understand=elliot smith
8. ender will save us all=dashboard confessional
9. ocean breathes salty=modest mouse
10. jefferson, aero plane=relient k
everythings not lost=coldplay and
motorcycle drive-by=third eye blind
are definite wannabes, but no cigar.
p.s. i miss rock hill desperately.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
a tornado sweeping through. let me reveal myself to you.
she lay there. on that old, loud bus. surrounded by noise, but somehow in her own quiet, little universe. for a moment nothing caught her attention, no distractions, and she pointed her face upward to look out the window. with her head hanging off the seat she viewed the sky. a vast space of blue and white, colored with pastel chalks. giant balls of slow-moving cotton. tall, green, and full of life trees. power lines. and that pesky stack of fresh lumber piled high on the large truck that they just couldnt seem to pass. in an instance she felt like dorothy in her very own wizard of oz story. you know the part, when shes sitting on her bed. the tornardo barrels through, terrible winds smashing her window to pieces. and then the images come: her family and auntie em, as well as that cruel witch. just like dorothy, random things appear in and quickly leave from her window. however, the sky (whether gloomy or bright) remained. no matter what she passed, or just how fast that old bus flew.
there she appears. no, not standing in front of a brown square (or what could be a shadow), and she certainly isnt dancing ( which would be entertaining though). nope, just laying. face pointed upward. and look at those hitchhiker thumbs. beautiful.
there she appears. no, not standing in front of a brown square (or what could be a shadow), and she certainly isnt dancing ( which would be entertaining though). nope, just laying. face pointed upward. and look at those hitchhiker thumbs. beautiful.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
this entry has potential...
to be really long, that is.
i returned home to charleston from rock hill at 1:30 this morning.
and i returned to rock hill from ruf summer conference in
panama city beach around 7 yesterday. it was such a
long/short, relaxing/tiring, exciting/confusing week.
i met people i never known before, including most of my group.
i think i had fun though.
i realized a lot of things this week.
like what the crap am i doing for one thing?
i can get really sick of myself sometimes.
i learned a lot about the history/purpose/covenants/meanings
of the scriptures. things i had never thought of before.
and it occurred to me "why have i never thought of,
or heard of for that matter,
these basic principles, ever?" did i just not remember?
did i forget? or have i always been this lost?
i guess i'm just not sure of anything right now.
also, i want to be baptized, but i'm not sure where.
i have the most random thought process.
if i actually said everything out loud, you'd swear i was a schizo.
something mean/disheartening/stupid occurs to me,
then i correct myself, tell myself how wrong that was,
and then congratulate myself for "changing my ways."
so not only am i a rude and troubled soul, i'm also prideful.
go figure.
this week, the speaker, mr. stuart latimer
(a funny guy but somewhat clemson obsessed) said, and i quote...
"niceness is as bad as ruthlessness"
basically implying that a person can be nice and selfish at the same time.
so that description fits me pretty well.
whether i even notice it or not, i always somehow, unconciously expect something in return.
i should just be nice!! no strings attached.
not for thankyous/affection/friendships/hugs. though i'm a fan of hugs.
i think i would actually like doing nice things without alternative motives.
again, go figure.
its quite possible that i may be borderline bi-polar.
there are brief moments of sadness where all i want is to be really quiet.
like when i was driving home last night.
mostly caused by listening to damien rice or bright eyes
but still, i kinda like those times.
when my non-talkative self doesnt even want to speak,
just wallow.
i kinda wish they occurred more often.
i will post conf pictures soon.
currently:
reading "before women had wings" by connie may flower,
i gave up on bloom for a few reasons...
1. i really had no idea what bloom was talking about
2. i found myself being takenaway/influenced by words that just sounded nice
when they actually made no sense
3. and the book was due back to the library;
listening to pedro;
feeling really hot from the tan/sunburn, tired, and aggravated by the headache.
i should just go to bed.
good thing nobody reads this (or comments at any point)
cause i've been quite honest with myself (as well as countless strangers)
i returned home to charleston from rock hill at 1:30 this morning.
and i returned to rock hill from ruf summer conference in
panama city beach around 7 yesterday. it was such a
long/short, relaxing/tiring, exciting/confusing week.
i met people i never known before, including most of my group.
i think i had fun though.
i realized a lot of things this week.
like what the crap am i doing for one thing?
i can get really sick of myself sometimes.
i learned a lot about the history/purpose/covenants/meanings
of the scriptures. things i had never thought of before.
and it occurred to me "why have i never thought of,
or heard of for that matter,
these basic principles, ever?" did i just not remember?
did i forget? or have i always been this lost?
i guess i'm just not sure of anything right now.
also, i want to be baptized, but i'm not sure where.
i have the most random thought process.
if i actually said everything out loud, you'd swear i was a schizo.
something mean/disheartening/stupid occurs to me,
then i correct myself, tell myself how wrong that was,
and then congratulate myself for "changing my ways."
so not only am i a rude and troubled soul, i'm also prideful.
go figure.
this week, the speaker, mr. stuart latimer
(a funny guy but somewhat clemson obsessed) said, and i quote...
"niceness is as bad as ruthlessness"
basically implying that a person can be nice and selfish at the same time.
so that description fits me pretty well.
whether i even notice it or not, i always somehow, unconciously expect something in return.
i should just be nice!! no strings attached.
not for thankyous/affection/friendships/hugs. though i'm a fan of hugs.
i think i would actually like doing nice things without alternative motives.
again, go figure.
its quite possible that i may be borderline bi-polar.
there are brief moments of sadness where all i want is to be really quiet.
like when i was driving home last night.
mostly caused by listening to damien rice or bright eyes
but still, i kinda like those times.
when my non-talkative self doesnt even want to speak,
just wallow.
i kinda wish they occurred more often.
i will post conf pictures soon.
currently:
reading "before women had wings" by connie may flower,
i gave up on bloom for a few reasons...
1. i really had no idea what bloom was talking about
2. i found myself being takenaway/influenced by words that just sounded nice
when they actually made no sense
3. and the book was due back to the library;
listening to pedro;
feeling really hot from the tan/sunburn, tired, and aggravated by the headache.
i should just go to bed.
good thing nobody reads this (or comments at any point)
cause i've been quite honest with myself (as well as countless strangers)
Friday, May 06, 2005
last dance w/ mary jane. 1 more time to kill the pain.
just spent the last two hours putting brand new
and somewhat recent pictures on the website.
you guys have to check it out...
http://community.webshots.com/user/serenacorine
heres a little taste...
currently:
listening to classic rock, namely tom petty and aerosmith;
feeling very ready to go to bed,
excited/nervous about leaving for flordia on monday;
aggravated by the amount of laundry that has to be done.
and somewhat recent pictures on the website.
you guys have to check it out...
http://community.webshots.com/user/serenacorine
heres a little taste...
currently:
listening to classic rock, namely tom petty and aerosmith;
feeling very ready to go to bed,
excited/nervous about leaving for flordia on monday;
aggravated by the amount of laundry that has to be done.
the long and winding road
i spent two and a half hours on a lonely drive home from winthrop
yesterday and theres only one sentence to recap:
i sang way to loud, gave myself a headache,
and realized that i severely hate rest area automatic flush toliets.
thats pretty much it.
still unpacking. taking it one step at a time.
before i have to turn around and start packing again.
it never ends.
because its summer i probably wont be on aim very much,
but i will update regularly...
so for those few who read this, add it to your favorites,
and check back from time to time.
i think i'll go make some coffee with my new coffeemaker *wink*
currently:
watching tv (i've watched for like 5 hours today...
do you know how long its been since i've been able to do that!);
reading Harold Bloom;
feeling tired of this sinus (i think) headache i've had for the past week.
yesterday and theres only one sentence to recap:
i sang way to loud, gave myself a headache,
and realized that i severely hate rest area automatic flush toliets.
thats pretty much it.
still unpacking. taking it one step at a time.
before i have to turn around and start packing again.
it never ends.
because its summer i probably wont be on aim very much,
but i will update regularly...
so for those few who read this, add it to your favorites,
and check back from time to time.
i think i'll go make some coffee with my new coffeemaker *wink*
currently:
watching tv (i've watched for like 5 hours today...
do you know how long its been since i've been able to do that!);
reading Harold Bloom;
feeling tired of this sinus (i think) headache i've had for the past week.
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